Sam & Jett: 1 to 1 Love
In the jungle of Ubud, the hot spot where free love rules and detachment challenges are on a daily schedule, I met a young couple that committed to each other 1 to 1 and got married. Samantha and Jett from Canada. They know each other since 11 years, since 5,5 years they are a couple and since 8 months they are married. As they are so happy I spoke with them about their relationship, the necessity of opening up, speaking about values and how to share emotions and feelings in order to grow together. Before they got married they did a test if they really match. They went on a long hike…Last week on Ecstatic Dance between all the free spirits I saw a couple dancing with each other from the beginning until the end and they could still breathe. They were over 80 and in bliss. Pure freedom can also be achieved when you fully engage with someone. But for this some inner work is needed, some courage, trust and the will to make a choice. I see Jett and Sam going the same path. Enjoy reading their story. Mucho Love, Yvi
Yvi: What is really astonishing for me, you look so happy as if you would have met 2 weeks ago. How do you do your relationship?
Jett: You gotta be honest and tell them exactly how you feel when you feel it, that is when your emotions are true. And if you hold a grudge and you let it wait your emotions will get clouded and you forget why you are actually angry. So it becomes lost anger. You can’t get over.
Sam: We can tell each other in the moment how we feel with kind words and talk through it.
Yvi: You are so young. How did you learn to talk to each other in this mature way?
Sam: For me I was very quiet I hold a grudge if I was angry, giving the silent treatment, but he always pushed me to be open when we talked about what’s wrong. He had no judgement around that. You know when I did tell him how I was feeling, he would not get angry at me, he is like “Ok I see your perspective, but this is not really what I meant.” Or maybe it was a misunderstanding. Or maybe we do butt heads, but why does that have to be a problem, can we agree to disagree? Does it have to be a huge deal? Like put some perspective on it and see it from a bigger point of view.
Yvi: Many people I meet, have problems getting access to their emotions and they are running away, sometimes without even noticing it and they are older than you are. Jett why are you so open to your emotions, why can you feel them so well and allow them to be articulated in your partnership?
Jett: I do not wanna hold a grudge on myself so… that is a good question..
Yvi: What about your parents, have they taught you that it is an important instrument for relationships that you learn to feel and express your emotions?
Jett: My mum, she is a wonderful happy lady, but cross her line she is gonna tell you exactly where you went wrong and why she doesn’t enjoy how you acted. So I kind of learned from that: Gotta tell it how it is and don’t hide anything, because then you are just hiding who you are. That is not honest. Being dishonest is not only to yourself, but to everyone else around you.
Yvi: Are your parents still married?
Sam: No. My parents divorced when I was 10. Until then I had a quite picturesque childhood, a happy family but then there was a lot of arguing, unpleasant in the house, a lot back and forth I think I learned a lot from their mistakes, and what not to do in a relationships and one of my friends had a very picturesque childhood her parents never fought they were so kind to each other, I saw that and I thought that is what I want. I have to be kind to my partner and not use harsh words to my partner
Yvi: That is interesting, because many children that come out of divorced families they are repeating what they saw at home. You are not repeating at all and on top you were sure to marry.
Jett: Oh yes. I put a lot of thought into my actions, I ponder before I act. Where else that would be impulse and that is very bad… You know when you are going to a store and when you don’t think about what you wanna buy, you buy something and then you realize that you don’t need it. You gotta be sure of something before you act, where else it has no meaning to it!
Yvi: Your parents are divorced, but why did you choose to get married?
Jett: Because I saw that it is really important to Sam to marry and I realized I wanna be with her forever and I should get married if that is what it takes to keep her then I do that for her even though it really wasn’t a part of my believe. I did not see marriage a needed thing to keep a relationship, but for her believes it is very important, so I just wanted to make her happy and also make myself happy along the way too.
Yvi: How was your wedding?
Jett: Very beautiful, one of the best days of my life, if not the best day of my life, because we were really bringing all these people around, really show support on who you are marrying and who you love, especially of – You guys are sure, then your family is going to be sure on it, because you can see that you are unhappy. They don’t want you to be unhappy, so being sure, really shows them that you are actually happy and they are ok with that. And really teaches them to grow to love the person. If they love you then make them love them the people you love too.
Yvi: How do you feel after having married?
Jett: I feel the same.
Yvi: In Germany before they marry they have a day when they get T -Shirts and on it are sentences like: “Last day in freedom”. Do you still feel free?
Jett: Yes, she let’s me breathe, she lets me run, I run into the forest and I always wanna come back.
Sam: He is hanging around with his bros and planning a trip alone to South America without me and that is fine. I know he will come back to me and be faithful.
Yvi: You have your values like being faithful, did you talk about it what exactly your values are?
Sam: Before we got married that was a really big thing for us we had to make sure that our values are aligned, because I can tell why it did not work out for my parents which values were not aligned. For me marriage was so important, because I grew up in a Christian home and another thing was bringing up one day children or having a family together how we will raise them, in which religion or spirituality we will bring them up in. Until we could not figure out or align that value I could not move forward any further with that relationship, but then we both figured out a way we are both happy with, moving forward with those sorts of things. We knew that we will be happy together if we would do it this way that we agreed upon.
Yvi: Have you been discussing more about a particular value?
Sam: Before marriage for me it was religion. How to bring up our children. I am Christian and Jett you wanna share your believes?
Jett: Yes, I am Native American so everything is from the earth, god is all around, even though we don’t call it god. It is the great creator Kisemanto we call it. I realized, all religions even if their rules are different, they all believe in one thing the Higher Power, I was able to agree with Sam on her religion even though she was not able to see mine all the time.
Sam: We sometimes disagree about certain things, but we did agree to pray, mediate, connecting spiritually and we celebrate Thanksgiving.. that was enough for me to move forward with our relationship.
Yvi: Is it always easy peasy or do you also have fights?
Sam: We definitely have disagreements, but I think most of the time they come around when we spent too much time together. We just need to have a lone time. Sometimes we do butt heads, but we never yell or throw harsh words at each other, because we know that this is just damaging. When we do get frustrated with each other, we kind of take a step back and ask: “Ok why is this happening, what is the problem here, do we really need to be arguing about this, because usually it ends up about something like “Oh you didn’t do the dishes, I have been doing the dishes all week, Do you think maybe you could put in some effort?” And then actually he is like: “You know I did the dishes, but maybe you did not see me doing it, maybe you feel like overworked, maybe you can take a step back and relax.” And I am like: “Oh ja, I did have a busy week, sorry I am taking out my anger on you. I just need some time for myself, some time alone or some selflove.” There is usually a reason for your actions. You have to take a step back and see “Ok what is going on here behind the scenes!”
Yvi: Have you ever gone to bed with a fight?
Jett: No, gotta get it out right then and there. Where else you wake up angry and then that ruins your whole day.
Sam: When we went into our marriage we said: “We are not going to bed angry at each other”. But last day we had a silly fight & went to bed. I turned around in bed, huffing and puffin like “och I am angry about something silly”, but 3 minutes later he tapped me on the shoulder and said: “Ok, but remember we said we would not go to bed angry at each other. So can we forgive each other and move past this?” And I said: “Yes, we can. Good night.”
Jett: My mum always tought me that you have to keep a promise. Promises are bonding so you can’t break them. That is why she does not promise so much for anything, cause she might break it, but marriage is a big promise, you gotta learn to keep that. It is a big step, that is why you really have to think about it before you marry someone. Where else you find yourself marrying the wrong person all along, that is gonna break a promise, that is gonna hurt you in the long run, hurt your dignity and your selflove and your partner.
Yvi: On my journey I have seen many couples that did not seem to be so happy being with each other. At dinner starring with grumpy face at their smartphones, having arguments at the beach, discussions in the rice fields about together and lonetime, they come home again and maybe split up. As a couple you have many tests in holiday and in daily life. Where did you check if you are getting along really well?
Jett: 3 years before the wedding, we went on a hike on he west coast trail on Vancouver island, it is 76 kilometers and we did that hike to show all our emotions, because you get frustrated with yourself, with the actions around you and it really teaches you about each others emotions. And you come to terms to realize that these are my problems, not hers. So I should not make it her problem and I learned to deal with it myself.
Yvi: It is always this “Come back to yourself”, when emotions are arising.
Sam: Yes, and not to blame somebody else, take responsibility for your actions and emotions. When we did that hike there was no social media, there is just you and that person and this long trail the journey ahead and this heavy pack and walking all day. You have to keep the mental positivity going in your head, because it can become stressful and you really see the other person in their weakest moments.
Jett: On the trail I noticed how some other couples treat each other. It really teaches you how you don’t wanna act, so when the times comes that you are feeling a taff situation, just reflect on how sad it made you feel seeing how other people treat each other with the aggression that really only comes from their own stress level and nothing else caused by their partners. You gotta…
Sam: Harness those inner emotions. For both of us it was a lot learning from other peoples behavior towards each other. Really take that in and look at yourself and where you can change and grow. We are seeing each other things when we talk to other people, and then we talk to each other like: “Oh you are maybe a little bit harsh?” We say: “Okay I am gonna work on that and try not to be that way, or can you give me a gentle reminder if I do start acting that way to be my best self?” It is a work in progress.
You can choose to be still a good person in that weak spot. You see this person in their rawness, and love this person. It was great encouraging each other and uplifting like “We make it, it is going to be fine!” You know you have your doubts like „How we gonna make it, the trail is so long“, but we just keep going pushing each other forward and then this was when we knew it is gonna be good.
Yvi: What are your plans?
Sam: When we come home we wanna safe up for our first home and we are starting our careers. Jett is a chef and I am a health coach and personal trainer. We wanna go our own ways. Jett wants financial freedom, that we can do what we really wanna do and love in life and start a family.
Yvi: Paint a picture! Where is home?
Jett: My tribe is Mikesew Cree and we come from the Athabasca area, bit I was born in Edmonton Alberta, which is 4 hours south of it. I kind of grew up all over western Canada, always moving as a child, which is where my need for travel came from, but on this travel trip now that we are actually out here traveling I come to realize that Home is the best place. I really love it back in Canada. I don’t think I can ever get the connection to any of the land anywhere else than at home, because it is just ingrained in me. It is very beautiful.
We wanna build an Aframe House, have a little piece of land on the mountain.
Sam: We wanna host people from around the world and cook for them and help them hike in the mountains.
Jett: We want to have 2 children of our own and then adopt a third native American baby to give them a chance in life, because in Canada they really are repressed people. Lot’s of them growing up without ever having a chance to experience the world for what it is, wanna give them the opportunity for that and also teach my culture to these children, they never get the chance to actually learn it, because they are grown up in such a hard life that they kind of deny it or ignore the fact of what they are. I wasn’t raised like that, but that is how people treated me as if I was some lesser and my culture just some primitive way that should be extinct, but then the more I learned about it the more I realized that it is really my believes, so made me more connected to it and wanna teach our kids that way and raise them to love themselves along with other people.